I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
