Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
