I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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