I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
