So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
