Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
