Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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