Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
