My boss' voice literally gives me gas
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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