nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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