Nicole vs. Life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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