Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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