Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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