U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do herpes really smell.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
