is your mom at the bar?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
