And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
