in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
