I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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