I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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