I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
