He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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