Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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