mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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