she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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