highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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