Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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