I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
