I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
