I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
