New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
