i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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