I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
