I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
