brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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