i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
