Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
