@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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