alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
