need another drink. this is the easiest way
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
