i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
