the condom got lost in my hair
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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