Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
