complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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