He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
