the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
