He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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