she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
