he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
