I am midnight drunk by noon
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
