just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
