I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
